Posted via web from Tony Watkins

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Why has marriage gone out of fashion?

Nobody believes in marriage any more. At least, not many young people do. Apart from religious freaks and a few others nobody bothers to get married – they just live together. What’s the point when the divorce rate is so high? After all, there’s a good chance it won’t last. It ties you down and cramps your style.

A typical student view? In fact large numbers of ex-students do still get married every year. But the pressure to get married is not what it once was – living together is more or less acceptable to many people; the single parent family is no longer taboo and the media machine seems to constantly present the image that you should do what feels good. For students the pressure to sleep around can be immense. All these conspire to make marriage less and less attractive. Christian students can feel the pressure as much as anyone. With more students coming to Christ from fragmented backgrounds we will find more and more needing considerable support and counselling from older christian couples.

Why is marriage still an option?

The Bible tells us that marriage is primarily for partnership (Genesis 2:18). After less than a year of marriage we can already see that the degree of knowing and being known, and of mutual self-giving far outranks any other relationship. It can only grow if there is total commitment and as near to an unconditional love as we fallen humans can ever manage. We are to model Christ’s relationship to the church.

The sexual side of marriage is obviously important. There is great security when God’s principles are honoured and two people get married without having lost their virginity. We came to our relationship without fear because we were clean – free from sexually transmitted diseases (barring infection through other means such as blood transfusion). God’s command in Genesis 2:24 of one man with one woman for life is for our best – it gives us a confidence we cannot have any other way. It’s like being under an umbrella – If we stray from under God’s protective umbrella we risk the consequences of contact with infected partners. There is also freedom from guilt and hurt – there is great emotional investment in sexual relationships and their breakdown leaves deep scars. Some will come to marriage without this confidence and freedom but through repentance and healing it is still a viable option.

The recent survey of sexual attitudes (Sexual Behaviour in Britain; Johnson et al; Penguin, 1994) indicates that the vast majority of people still claim to hold to sexual values traditionally upheld by Christianity. Even in the 16-24 age group, 81.5% of men and 84.8% of women consider adultery to be wrong. Marriage means a high level of commitment which people still expect. Most people (even when they are only living together) feel an acute sense of outrage if their partner has sex with someone else. Marriage brings security because one knows that the other person is committed to the relationship. We can depend on each others’ faithfulness and commitment – even when we make mistakes. There’s no longer any competition to win the other person or fear of them giving up on our relationship (though we’d be naive to assume that we don’t need to guard our relationship as jealously as God guards his relationship with us). The survey shows that cohabiting people are far more likely to have other sexual partners than married people. In fact cohabiting men are more likely to have several partners than single men! What security is there in that kind of relationship? Isn’t there always the fear that the other person can just walk away at any time? Marriage has a formality about it because of the vows made before God, and a legal status that mean one cannot simply walk away.

What can we expect from marriage?

What do students hope for from marriage? Many have fallen for the images presented by our materialistic culture. They hope to meet Mr. or Ms. Right and for the resulting romance, affluence and, especially, security of life as newly-weds. In a world where they are starved of security, marriage seems to give them everything they need. They fail to look into the future and consider the ‘for worse,’ ‘for poorer’ and ‘in sickness’ clauses of the marriage vows.

What can they realistically expect? A very active social life? During student days sociallising is easy with most students living close to each other and having a lifestyle that encourages a steady stream of coffee until the early hours of the morning. Not everyone wants that kind of life afterwards but the difference between being single and being married can be surprising. Since we’ve been married we’ve sometimes felt isolated – people seem to assume that now we’re married we need space and plenty of it. This is partly our own fault and we recognise that we need to work harder to maintain friendships – particularly with those who were friends of just one, rather than both, of us before we were married.

What about the expectation of endless romance? When you no longer have to constantly impress the other person to ensure that they get down the aisle, it’s easy to stop making the effort. We’re now more likely to go out on impulse rather than planning weeks in advance. They are great times but there isn’t the same sense of getting ready to please the other person. We need to ensure that we do things to keep the romance going. A key question for us was whether or not we had enough in common for us to be good company for each other when the warm, fuzzy romantic haze had disappeared.

Financial matters can be a problem for many couples with new burdens of mortgages, council tax, water rates and buying a car all contributing to one of the classic pressure points for marriages. Other potential problem areas could include attitudes to sex, relating to the wider families and use of leisure time. Our only long-running difference of opinion is whether or not we can carry on without a TV. Many other questions needed to be asked which boil down to honestly thinking through the implications of committing ouselves to each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death separates us or the Lord returns. That meant thinking about ouselves and our own relationships with God as well as about the person we were marrying.

If you ask us on our first anniversary ‘Why bother with marriage?’ we’d say ‘You can’t find this level of companionship, care and commitment anywhere else?’

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